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Can’t Stop Fixing people? – Overcome People Pleasing This Way.

 

A behavioral pattern that drive you seek someone’s approval you had much needed. Your survival have been depended on fixing people. Knowing that brings you greater frustration, confusion and anger – here’s a small guide that may provoke how you think.



What script are you often playing in your head? – Sit quietly and really identify.

“If I fix/save this person’s problems, he/she will ___________.”

“If I express my thoughts, they may __________.”

“I feel accepted and loved when they _________.”

 

Your attempts will help you identify these two themes.

1) Either you are seeking validation/support from the person. (e.g. If only I manage to prove my potential to my parents/boss).

2) Or you are trying to control, manage, attend to or change - how someone thinks about you. (e.g. If only I save this person, he/she will desire a romantic relationship with me).

Example:

  •       Agreeing to things you don’t like
  •       Doing things for people to earn their approval
  •        Always apologizing to people
  •        Neglect of own needs, to prioritize others’ needs.

 

Re-adjust the control.

These never ending attempts will leave you often disappointed, frustrated, helpless and this loop of unhelpful strategy.

I’m not aiming for the anxiety you experience, but to modify the goal of your behavior when you’re anxious/fearful. Instead of holding onto the control, re-adjusting it will come much applicable to you.

 

Few questions I find helpful to my clients:

“What aspects about my partner I will no longer be responsible to control?”

“What are my share of things that I can do for this person, instead of completely rejecting my own needs and fully attending to theirs?”

“If someone’s behavior leaves me wondering, what are the things/behavior that I would no longer do?”

“If I feel constantly invalidated by a person, what will I stop entertaining? (instead of asking myself things that I must do)”

 

Few thoughts I find helpful to my clients:

“It’s not my responsibility to make sure my partner is responsible.”

“It’s not my role to rescue people from their problems.”

“It’s okay if others get angry”

“Someone’s disapproval over my thoughts, doesn’t make it wrong. They are still mine.”

“I don’t need permission to think/feel a certain way.”

“Can we talk about this later?”

“I’m not feelings seen or heard by this person. I don’t have to allow this further.”


About the Author

Sally is a psychotherapist and shares insightful tools that’ll make our lives simpler and help us cope with everyday events. She has attained a masters in Mental Health counselling and also offers personal coaching sessions to clients online. For more information, visit www.cantbreakcalmdaily.com or drop her a message. 


 


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